woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
