dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
