Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
