we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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