I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You made out with two different species that night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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