I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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