So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
