Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
