i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
