That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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