highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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