When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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