can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
