This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
