If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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