I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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