i don't like sucking hair
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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