no, he came in my armpit
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
