I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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