Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
