Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
