I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
