Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
