Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
