Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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