nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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