If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
