i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
