Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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