Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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