I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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