Got a toothbrush?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
