I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
