If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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