So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
