The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Randomize
