you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
