Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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