we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
