I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
