A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
