the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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