What a fucking waste of an outfit
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You are the jesus of drinking
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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