Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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