my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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