Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
