He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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