Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
