I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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