I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
