This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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