people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
