**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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