I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
