The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
