A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
